I’m in a gray sort of mood… it’s probably partly influenced by the terrible weather. It’s gray and bleak, and the clouds are so low you can’t see the mountains. The wind is so sharp and strong that doors constantly slam open and closed and it pushes students screaming down the hallways. It’d be funny if it wasn’t happening to me as well.
It’s also probably influenced by the fact that due to school trips I only have one class today, and it’s after lunch. My students are the highlight of my day, and the reason why I’m sitting at this desk right now, and when I’m at school and don’t teach I feel uprooted and awkward.
It’s also that time of year where I have to decide if I want to stay another year or leave. This would be the final time I could extend, because you can only have a Fulbright ETA grant for three years. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to stay (I love my school), but I talked to an old college friend today and it set me to thinking.
I’m scared of failing. I didn’t have any major issues in high school (academically, at least) and though I love my college, for me it wasn’t a reach school. In fact, I only applied to three colleges. The F*bright was the first thing I had really applied to that I wasn’t sure I’d get, and it stretched me so much. Being surrounded by all these talented people who have seemingly done so much more with the same resources was and still is daunting. It makes me want to be a better person. I’m finally getting comfortable here… I love my school and I don’t just fit, but I bring something to the table. At some point I’ll have to leave Korea, and face a whole new set of challenges. What if I can’t live up to them? What if I don’t get into any graduate schools, or I’m not able to find a job that utilizes my talents?
I don’t think this is my reason for staying, but this fear of failure is something I’ll have to face eventually.