Archive for the ‘fear’ Category

Em in Asia! 2012-04-02 23:42:15

Monday, April 2nd, 2012

I’m in a gray sort of mood… it’s probably partly influenced by the terrible weather. It’s gray and bleak, and the clouds are so low you can’t see the mountains. The wind is so sharp and strong that doors constantly slam open and closed and it pushes students screaming down the hallways. It’d be funny if it wasn’t happening to me as well.

It’s also probably influenced by the fact that due to school trips I only have one class today, and it’s after lunch. My students are the highlight of my day, and the reason why I’m sitting at this desk right now, and when I’m at school and don’t teach I feel uprooted and awkward.

It’s also that time of year where I have to decide if I want to stay another year or leave. This would be the final time I could extend, because you can only have a Fulbright ETA grant for three years. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to stay (I love my school), but I talked to an old college friend today and it set me to thinking.

I’m scared of failing. I didn’t have any major issues in high school (academically, at least) and though I love my college, for me it wasn’t a reach school. In fact, I only applied to three colleges. The F*bright was the first thing I had really applied to that I wasn’t sure I’d get, and it stretched me so much. Being surrounded by all these talented people who have seemingly done so much more with the same resources was and still is daunting. It makes me want to be a better person. I’m finally getting comfortable here… I love my school and I don’t just fit, but I bring something to the table. At some point I’ll have to leave Korea, and face a whole new set of challenges. What if I can’t live up to them? What if I don’t get into any graduate schools, or I’m not able to find a job that utilizes my talents?

I don’t think this is my reason for staying, but this fear of failure is something I’ll have to face eventually.

Twas The Night Before Studying Abroad…

Friday, February 18th, 2011

It’s 4:13 am as I begin writing this post, which is to be the first of many to come. I have just finished a three hour second attempt at packing for this trip. I am sure there will be all sorts of re-shuffling and re-allocating tomorrow once I get my luggage on a scale and find out that I packed about 80 pounds too much.

My mother, well intentioned as she is, purchased me a duffel style bag that is properly sized for stashing bodies in for my trip, and in my late night fervor I have filled it completely. On top of another very large piece of luggage. Tragically airlines care not for the size of your checked luggage but rather for the weight. For this journey I am allowed 2 checked items, each weighing 50 lbs and one carry on.

I would put so much money on the fact that I am easily 40 pounds over that limit currently. Damn my female propensity to over pack. Damn it to hell.

It has been an odd thing all week to know this day was coming. Ever since I got out of school in early Dec I have been waiting for this trip. Talking about it, planning, packing, and waiting for it. All the days I spent sitting in my house rising at the crack of 3pm and splitting my time between the internet and the television I longed for the start of my south pacific adventure. When the snow began falling I day dreamed about a southern hemisphere summer filled with flip flops and bathing suits. And now, I find myself on the eve of this dream, which is about to come true and I am feeling a myriad of emotions.

Fear

Optimism

Anxiousness

Excitement!

and

Determination

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions all week, but today has been especially loopy. My flight leaves tomorrow at 6:15 pm from Dulles and I should be flying into LA around 9pm their time. Then its the long haul across the pacific ocean till 8am sunday sydney time. I think getting there, which is theoretically half the fun, might not be any fun this particular time.

Well its now 4:44 am and even though I am still fairly wired I think I am going to attempt sleep. For tomorrow (later today) is sure to be a flurry of packing, re packing, tears (from my mother) goodbyes, and last minute errands. Hopefully the flights go off without a hitch, heres to hoping. By the time I post next I will be the farthest away from home I could possibly ever get without going to Antarctica or the moon. That is simultaneously thrilling and terrifying.

It’s 8:42 pm in Sydney right now. So the way I look at it, I’m going to bed early.